This week’s choice is “The Ballad of Barry and Freda” by Victoria Wood, which I’ve picked because it demonstrates Wood’s marvellous sense of humour and it makes me laugh every time I hear it.
Let’s do it!
Victoria Wood (1953—2016)
Let’s do it
Share a night of wild romance
Frenetic
Poetic!
This could be your last big chance
To quote Milton
To eat Stilton
To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
Poem 266. The Ballad of Barry and Freda (Let’s Do It)
Freda and Barry sat one night
The sky was clear. The stars were bright
The wind was soft. The moon was up
Freda drained her cocoa cup
She licked her lips. She felt sublime
She switched off Gardeners’ Question Time
Barry cringed in fear and dread
As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it
Do it while the mood is right!
I’m feeling
Appealing
I’ve really got an appetite
I’m on fire
With desire
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
But he said:
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I don’t believe in too much sex
This fashion
For passion
Turns us into nervous wrecks
No derision!
My decision
I’d rather watch The Spinners on the television
I can’t do it
I can’t do it tonight
So she said:
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it
Do it till our hearts go boom!
Go native
Creative
Living in the living room
This folly
Is jolly
Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
But he said:
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
Me ‘eavy breathing days have gone
I’m older
Feel colder
It’s other things that turn me on
I’m imploring:
I’m boring
Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring
I can’t do it
I can’t do it tonight
So she said:
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it
Have a crazy night of love!
I’ll strip bare
I’ll just wear
Stilettos and an oven glove
Don’t starve a
Girl of a palaver
Dangle from the wardrobe in your Balaclava
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
But he said:
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I know I’d only get it wrong
Don’t angle
For me to dangle
Me arms ‘ave never been that strong
Stop pouting
Stop shouting
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting
I can’t do it
I can’t do it tonight
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it
Share a night of wild romance
Frenetic
Poetic!
This could be your last big chance
To quote Milton
To eat Stilton
To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I’ve got other little jobs on hand
Don’t grouse
Around the house
I’ve got a busy evening planned
Stop nagging
I’m flagging
You know as well as I do that the pipes want lagging
I can’t do it
I can’t do it tonight
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it
While I’m really in the mood!
Three cheers!
It’s years
Since I caught you even semi-nude
Be drastic
Gymnastic
Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I must refuse to get undressed
I feel silly
It’s too chilly
To go without me thermal vest
Don’t choose me
Don’t use me
Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me
I can’t do it
I can’t do it tonight
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it!
I feel I absolutely must
I won’t exempt you
Want to tempt you
Want to drive you mad with lust
No cautions
Just contortions!
Smear an avocado on me lower portions
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
It’s really not my cup of tea
I’m harassed
Embarrassed
I wish you hadn’t picked on me
No dramas!
Give me my pyjamas
The only girl I’m mad about is Judith Chalmers
I can’t do it
I can’t do it tonight
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it!
I really want to run amok
Let’s wiggle
Let’s jiggle
Let’s really make the rafters rock
Be mighty
Be flighty
Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it!
I really want to rant and rave
Let’s go
Cause I know
Just how I want you to behave:
Not bleakly
Not meekly
Beat me on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly
Let’s do it!
Let’s do it tonight!
This song is one of Victoria Wood’s best, chronicling with increasing fervour the exchanges between Freda and Barry as she attempts to persuade him to a romantic encounter and he endeavours to sidestep the whole business. The title is reminiscent of Cole Porter’s “Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall In Love” and like that song, this is a “list song” with more and more ridiculous scenarios being promoted by Freda and more and more feeble excuses being proffered by Barry.
The song is pretty clear, so I won’t take it stanza by stanza, but a few bits of context might help.
Gardeners’ Question Time is a BBC Radio 4 programme where expert gardeners provide answers to questions posed by gardening amateurs and enthusiasts. As a long-running programme, it has the aura of respectability and gentility that Freda wishes to discard, so she turns it off.
A male voice choir (or men’s chorus) consists of men who sing with a tenor or bass voice. These often have many members—the Fron Male Voice Choir has 29 first and second tenors, for example.
The Spinners were an English folk music group from Liverpool. They revived a great deal of folk music and produced new songs in the same vein. It’s safe to say that watching them on the television would be a cosy and comfortable experience.
A hostess trolley is a means of keeping food warm until you’re ready to serve it. They were popular with 1970s housewives, perhaps because ovens were small and there was nowhere else to keep cooked food warm. Freda has a different use in mind, however…
Moving on, we find her offering “To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton”—Wilton being a maker of carpets and rugs.
Pipes are lagged with insulating material to prevent them from freezing in cold weather—this is, perhaps, one of the least interesting DIY jobs but Barry evidently prefers it to quoting Milton or eating Stilton.
Barry lamely attempts to offer a note from his mother to excuse him—this was a common phrase used by school children with or without parental knowledge to avoid some hated school subject. Notes from mother would be produced like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card in Monopoly.
Judith Chalmers presented a popular television travel programme “Wish You Were Here…?” for over 25 years, and appeared on other TV shows and radio programmes.
Woman’s Weekly is a British women’s magazine which has been published for over a century and focuses on the home, family and lives of British women. I can’t help thinking that the issue Freda proposes to use must have been a special edition, though.
I like it because when Victoria Wood performed it, she slowly and steadily increases the tempo, and the situation becomes more and more outlandish. As Mr. Andy Hanrahan, commenting on the YouTube video says, “How on Earth did she come up with a song, over 5 minutes long, where every line was funnier than the last? She was an absolute phenomenon!” I can’t really improve on his comment, it just sums the song (and its performer) up perfectly.
Links
- Watch Victoria Wood perform the song on YouTube.