A change of pace this week after the focus on the Rubaiyat, and a new poet to me: the late Les Barker with “Waste Not, Want Not.”

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told ‘is tale of woe.
“Feed them to t’lion,” said keeper,
“Waste not – want not, y’know!”
Les Barker (1947—2023)

Poem 301. Waste Not, Want Not

There’s a famous seaside town called Blackpool,
Wot’s noted for fresh-air and fun.
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Went there with Albert, their son.

With Albert and some trepidation,
They made their way up to the zoo,
And went up to the ‘ead keeper;
“Can you find Albert summat to do?”

“Do you think ‘e could muck out elephants?
Could he remove a sharp thorn from a paw?
How about feedin’ lions?”
“He can do that; ‘e’s done it before!”

“Right; tha mun feed the animals;
But Albert, as tha’s a beginner,
You can start off feedin’ fodder t’finches,
Feed ‘em this fodder for dinner.”

So off toddled Albert with fodder,
But ‘orrors! When young lad got there,
Every last finch ‘ad expired,
On the floor with its feet in the air!

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told ‘is tale of woe;
“Feed them to t’lion,” said keeper,
“Waste not—want not, y’know!

And when tha’s done that, try monkeys;
Give ‘em a box of these.”
Pointing at a box of bananas,
Labelled, “For t’chimpanzees”.

Young Albert picked up the bananas;
‘E were plannin’ a chimpanzee feast.
But found every ape in the ape-house
Were of chimpanzee diseases deceased.

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told ‘is tale of woe.
“Feed them to t’lion,” said keeper,
“Waste not—want not, y’know.

And then go and see to the bees,
‘Urry on down to the ‘ive;
See as they swallows this pollen;
That is, if there’s any alive.”

By gum, ‘twere a bumble bee–reavement,
What fatalities; two ‘undred plus;
Death, where is thy sting and vice versa?
Poor Albert ‘ad missed the last buzz.

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told ‘is tale of woe.
“Feed them to t’lion,” said keeper,
“Waste not—want not, y’know!”

“Mash ‘em all up in yon bucket;
Yon lion ‘e ought t’ be pleased;
It’s a meal ‘e don’t get very often;
Finch, chimps and mushy bees!”

This is the most elaborate build-up to a terrible old punchline I’ve seen in a while, but it entertains me immensely. I found Les Barker while researching the Rubaiyat and I liked his work immediately for its gentle comedy, clever wordplay, environmental activism and biting political commentary.

This poem delightful uses the characters from the Marriott Edgar monologues “Albert and the Lion” and “The Return of Albert” to tell the story of Albert’s brief employment as a zoo helper charged with feeding various animals.

After some discussion about the tasks Albert might be able to do—with a nice nod to the original Albert monologue, “How about feedin’ lions? He can do that; ‘e’s done it before!”—the head keeper sets him on to feed the animals. Unfortunately, every creature he is told to tend has inexplicably died and each time he reports back to the keeper, he’s told to “Feed them to t’lion,” and admonished “Waste not – want not, y’know”, meaning that we shouldn’t waste resources if they can be put to good use later when we might need them.

Reading (or listening to) the poem for the first time, you can’t help but wonder where it’s going and there’s a real facepalm moment when you reach the punchline but there are some great moments along the way: the alliteration of “feedin’ fodder t’finches”, the homophonic “chimpanzee diseases deceased” and the pun in “bumble bee-reavement” to name a few. I do like the “Albert ‘ad missed the last buzz” too, but I expect that’s my love of double meanings showing through!

There are several YouTube videos of Les Barker performing his poetry to audiences, and the titles themselves give a hint of the clever and witty verse this understated comedy laureate produced: “Dachshunds with Erections Can’t Climb Stairs”, “Jason and the Arguments” and “The Tony Blairs Picnic” to name only three. He produced many books of poems and recorded several albums of his performances which are available from Amazon. He also produced three books that collected nearly 150 of his best poems interspersed with his own excellent photographs—I bought all three and they are beautifully done.

Watching him perform, you get a real feeling that he is genuinely enjoying his time in the spotlight but with a sense of bemusement at his success. There’s a brilliant video of his ninety-minute performance at Humph Hall in Sydney that’s well worth watching and I think he deserves to be much better known and celebrated.

I like this poem because it uses familiar comedy characters that I remember well, it tells its story engagingly and amusingly and because it triumphantly ends in a joke so old that even Marriott Edgar himself might have balked at using it.

Feed Them To t’Lion

Poem 301. Waste Not, Want Not

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